Sorry for not coming to your event.

Sorry for not coming to your event. I know I said I’d be there – and at the time I meant it – but then the day arrived and I absolutely had to nap instead. 

I really do feel terrible about missing it, but remember how I vaguely alluded to the fact that I had other commitments?

Oh, you saw my Snapstory. Why was I running around with a bra on my face yelling, “I’m Hannibra Lecter?” Honestly, I thought I sent that directly to Jessica. This all feels a bit “passive-aggressive.” 


Hey, thanks for following up again on your last e-mail. You see, I would love to come to the launch/runway show/luncheon – really - but it’s going to be pretty awkward. Have I told you I’ve gone vegan for a month? All those little hors d’oeuvres going around and around on plastic spoons and I can’t eat a single one – the torture! It’s a lifestyle change for the next 28 days. Also, what do I do with the spoon?

Wait, you mean I have to interact with people – like, in real life? Do we wear name tags? 

I know you invited me a few weeks ago but I just can’t seem to find my pants.

I don’t want to alarm you, but I’m typing this from under my bed. I think there is an intruder in the apartment. I just wanted to make sure you knew why I wouldn’t be there tonight. I should probably power down now. Don’t send help.

Any chance you can mail the gift bag? 

Hey, sorry I wasn't there. I got caught up editing this photo and VSCO has so many options and then I kept messaging my friends to ask their opinion but no one replied (probably because they were all at your awesome event!!). And then – it gets worse - I couldn’t think of a caption. I just sat there debating if I should copy an inspirational quote from the internet (Google: success) or go with something more authentic, like how you have to surround yourself with positive people, hashtag community. Anyway, can you tell me which photo you like better? 

I don’t want to be a social pariah, but did I mention I’m vegan for a month?

I said pariah, not piranha. 

I’m so sorry but I won’t be able to make it tonight. I’m afraid that on my way I’ll stumble into a puddle and I honestly can’t afford to keep this dress after I get a photo in it. From home. 

I wasn't there because you didn’t invite me.

Listen, between us – and I wasn’t going to tell anyone but I feel like we’ve grown really close throughout this 28 message e-mail thread – I have some sort of flesh-eating disease, or maybe it’s a sun burn, okay fine I just got a chemical peel. Bad timing, I know.

I got sucked into a black hole in my kitchen and next thing I knew it was 2021 and my cab still hadn't showed up. 

I’m just so busy this month. Potentially forever.

But keep in touch, I’d love to come to the next event!